"A child of divorce will be better off if reared cooperatively by two parents who respect each other's parental role". The converse is unfortunately also true, "children whose parents seek to undermine each other's parental role cannot possibly be helped by such..and could be harmed emotionally".(note 1.) Each parent must give the other a chance to settle in to the new situation. Be polite when you speak to or about each other--your body language can speak volumes to a child....


Note 1. Legal and Mental Health Perspectives on Child Custody Law, pp. 78. West Group 1998.

Posted by Pam Macktaz and Jean George, RIDivorceMediation.com.



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Pamela Macktaz and Jean George create a unique team with over 70 years of combined Rhode Island Family Court experience. We successfully assist clients with divorce, case management, parenting plans, memorandums of understanding, and parent coordination in high conflict families.

For questions about this posting or any divorce questions CONTACT US at (401)942-3000 or visit our Divorce in Rhode Island website

Extramarital relationships add extra emotion to the dissolution-custody equation( as well post divorce sexual relationships may impact the issues of custody, access and parenting). One spouse's new relationship will produce doubts in the other about that spouses competence as a parent. The prospect of a new parent for one's children frightens most divorcing spouses. The emergence of a replacement parent usually produces concern and great animosity, even if both spouses have acquired new relationships.

Children, especially older children are often extremely disturbed about the breakup of their family. They may see a new love interest as the cause and exhibit powerful loyalties and support to the other parent(seen as the "wronged" parent) and rage at the wrongdoer. The spouses' lawyers are sometimes captured by the hostility. In mediation the process helps clients bring a humane end to the litigation--avoiding a battle that punishes them and their children.

Note: Excerpt from "LEGAL AND MENTAL HEALTH PERSPECTIVES ON CHILD CUSTODY LAW" 1998 West Group (National Interdisciplinary Colloquium on Child Custody Law).

Posted by Pam Macktaz

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Pamela Macktaz and Jean George create a unique team with over 70 years of combined Rhode Island Family Court experience. We successfully assist clients with divorce, case management, parenting plans, memorandums of understanding, and parent coordination in high conflict families.

For questions about this posting or any divorce questions CONTACT US at (401)942-3000 or visit our Divorce in Rhode Island website

Divorce Litigation

You and/or your spouse may not feel committed to the results of your divorce because of a lack of participation in the process, bitterness fostered during the proceedings, or lack of fairness in the result.

Divorce Mediation

Child support, spousal support and most important of all Parenting Plans are more likely to be maintained when mutually decided. Is this not the least your children deserve.

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Pamela Macktaz and Jean George create a unique team with over 70 years of combined Rhode Island Family Court experience. We successfully assist clients with divorce, case management, parenting plans, memorandums of understanding, and parent coordination in high conflict families.

For questions about this posting or any divorce questions CONTACT US at (401)942-3000 or visit our Divorce in Rhode Island website

DIVORCE LITIGATION

Combined attorneys fees can deplete a family's finances even before delays, trials, and countless phone calls(for which you are charged--why would you call for answers knowing that each minute on the phone is charged at the attorney's going rate?)--to say nothing of the telephone calls between lawyers for which you are also charged.

DIVORCE MEDIATION

Mediation is a process that employs facilitators. You are charged only for the time YOU spend resolving your issues--no lost time from work--no court delays and NO charges for telephone calls to seek answers or assistance. The savings in time and money are substantial.

Posted by Pam Macktaz and Jean George @ridivorcemediation.

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Pamela Macktaz and Jean George create a unique team with over 70 years of combined Rhode Island Family Court experience. We successfully assist clients with divorce, case management, parenting plans, memorandums of understanding, and parent coordination in high conflict families.

For questions about this posting or any divorce questions CONTACT US at (401)942-3000 or visit our Divorce in Rhode Island website

Mediation v. Litigation

DIVORCE LITIGATION

Even the most poised, self assured individuals can find themselves among the walking wounded after experiencing the antagonistic and debilitating experience of watching you and your spouse reduced to your lowest common denominator.


DIVORCE MEDIATION

You will maintain your dignity. You will experience the challenge of working with your spouse to make the best of a bad situation. If you can't save the marriage mediation can save the divorce.

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Pamela Macktaz and Jean George create a unique team with over 70 years of combined Rhode Island Family Court experience. We successfully assist clients with divorce, case management, parenting plans, memorandums of understanding, and parent coordination in high conflict families.

For questions about this posting or any divorce questions CONTACT US at (401)942-3000 or visit our Divorce in Rhode Island website

Helpful Tips for Divorcing Parents

Taken from a Brown University publication and developed by KidsHealth, this is an excellent guide for parents to help engage and manage their children through the difficulties of divorce.
No step-by-step manual can give you a guarantee on how to raise kids blissfully through divorce. Every situation--and every family--is different. There arc, however, some common sense guidelines that may make adjustment a little bit easier.

Here are suggestions to make the divorce process less painful for your children. Parents will need to interpret them in their own ways; honesty, sensitivity, self-control, and time itself will help to begin the healing process. Be patient. Not everyone's timetable is your own and single parents especially can only do what they can do day by day.

1. Encourage your kids to talk as openly as they can about their feelings--positive or negative--about what has happened to them. Make that an ongoing process.
   
   "Try to sit down with your children when you feel relatively calm, and encourage them as much as possible to say what they think and feel," says Lucille Mansfield, PhD, a psychologist. "Let this be an ongoing process. As kids develop, their questions change; they may have questions that didn't occur to them earlier." Keep the dialogue open, she adds, "even when you feel `we went over that before.' If you get too upset, find someone else who can talk to them about it. Sometimes other relatives are a good resource."
   
   It's natural for children to have many emotions about a divorce. They may feel guilty and imagine that they "caused" the problem. This is particularly true if they heard their parents argue about them at one time. Children may feel angry or frightened. They may be worried that they will be abandoned by or "divorced from" from their parents.
   
   Some children will be able to voice their feelings, but depending on their age and development, others won't have the words. They may instead "act out" in angry ways or be depressed. For a school age child, this may become evident in dropping grades or lack of interest in activities. For the younger child, feelings often are expressed in play, as well.
   
   It maybe tempting to tell a child not to feel a certain way, but avoid that temptation. Children (and adults, for that matter) have aright to their feelings. If it seems that you are trying to force a "happy face," they may be less likely to share their feelings with you.
   
2. Don't bad-mouth your ex-spouse in front of your kids, even if you are still angry or feuding.
   
   This is one of the hardest things to do, but "it's important that the parent tries hard not to badmouth the other by making nasty cracks or making the child feel that the other parent is to blame," Mansfield says.
   
   "This makes the children feel even more caught in the middle," adds Miriam Galper Cohen, a licensed family therapist. "Kids may think, `If Daddy or Mommy's that bad, then they're a part of me, so I must be bad.' This is not about truth telling," she adds. "The child must discover the truth for themselves."
   
3. Try not to use your kids as a messenger or go-between, especially when you're feuding.
   A child doesn't need to feel that he or she must act as a messenger between hostile parents or carry one adult's secrets or accusations about another. Keep your adult life as private and discreet as possible; wherever possible, communicate directly with the other parent about matters relevant to the children, such as scheduling, visitation, health habits, or school problems.
   
4. Expect resistance and difficulties in helping the children adjust to a new mate or the mate's children.
   
   New relationships, blended families, and remarriages are among the most difficult aspects of the divorce process. "If we're talking to kids, they may have a very difficult time with a new partner," says Galper Cohen. "Kids get into all kinds of territorial issues with other kids; step parenting and remarriage are a very difficult life transition and require a tremendous amount of patience, time, humor, and talking. It takes a long time; it's not going to be instant love and affection."
   
5. Seek support groups, friendships, and counseling. Single parents need all the help they can get.
   
   Support from clergy, friends, relatives and groups such as Parents Without Partners can help you and your children adjust to the travails of separation and divorce. It often helps kids to meet others who've developed successful relationships with separated parents; kids can often help and confide in each other, and adults need special support through these trying times.
   
6. Wherever possible, encourage kids to have as positive an outlook on both parents as you can; encourage openness and contact between your children and the noncustodial parent, providing there is no abuse situation.
   
   "Ideally, you want the kids to feel positive about both parents," says licensed family therapist Herbert Cohen. "Kids have inherent loyalty conflicts, it's unavoidable."
   
   But parents who can foster a positive adjustment and good times--even in separate circumstances--will go a long way in helping their kids adapt and "move on."

For more information on Parenting through a divorce, information on Parenting Plans, or to learn about the success and benefit of Mediation as opposed to a litigated divorce, contact our team with questions or schedule a FREE CONSULTATION via email at MG@RIDivorceMediation.com or visit our RI Divorce Mediation website for more information.

REASONS TO TRY DIVORCE MEDIATION

You've decided to seek a divorce. Your nerves are frayed; the in-laws are asked pointed questions; the children are beginning to act up in all-too-transparent ways; and your pleasantness is in the midst of an earthshaking landslide. What can you do? Clearly, you can hire legal advice. But who? Here's a checklist of reasons why working with a trained mediator can often help:

1. It costs less.
When both spouses meet with our Mediation Team they can share the cost, which is commonly $1000 to $5000 total. If the spouses were to retain separate attorneys to represent them in the divorce, each would be paying a retainer of about $1500 just to get started.

2. You have control.
In Divorce Mediation the couple controls how quickly or slowly decisions are made and what the terms of the divorce will be. Each step is by agreement, in contrast to the adversarial process in which attorneys set court dates and judges make decisions with very limited time and information.

3.Written Settlement Terms.
Many people try to do their own divorces these days, but run into difficulty trying to understand the laws and the complex paperwork involved. A mediator will help you in reducing your agreement to a Memorandum of Understanding which will save you time, energy, and cost when presented to an attorney who will process your agreement for court approval.

4. Easier on the children.
The worst aspect of a divorce for children is the conflict between the parents. It will be traumatic enough for them, but they can heal knowing that their parents are working together to make adult decisions and will not put them in the middle.

5. Easier on you.
The way your marriage ends will significantly impact the way you approach your future relationships. When you use a mediator to help both of you communicate and make important decisions, it can be easier to move forward and accept the past, rather than turning hurt and anger into an expensive court battle.

6. You can still go to court.
When people use divorce mediation, they do not give up their right to go to court. If you are not satisfied in mediation, you can stop at any time, retain a separate attorney and have the judge decide the issues. What has occurred in mediation will remain confidential, so the parties can start fresh.

7. You get legal information.
In divorce mediation you will be provided with enough legal information to make your own decisions about what is fair. The mediator cannot advise either party but can share his or her general knowledge of how the court might address the issues in your case. Each spouse is also encouraged to consult with a separate attorney for legal advice, especially before signing the Memorandum of Understanding.

8. Emotions can be managed.
Many people simply want to be heard and understood in the divorce process. However, on their own this can get out of control, as each person triggers anger and resentment in the other -- often unintentionally. A mediator trained in counseling can assist the parties in acknowledging feelings but not allowing feelings to control the decision-making process.

9. It's confidential.
In private divorce mediation, all discussions and tentative agreements are confidential. This makes it safe to propose solutions for possible consideration without having them all thought out. This can lead to new solutions neither party had previously considered.

10. It builds on the positive.
In mediation, both parties are encouraged to recognize the positive in the other person and to find common ground for agreement. In court, each side must emphasize the negative about the other person in order to "win" against the other. Especially when there will be future contact between the parties, such as in parenting, whatever goodwill remains between the parties should be preserved and not destroyed.


Picking a Divorce Mediator
It is recommended that a Divorce Mediator be knowledgeable about family law, family counseling, child development and the mediation process. Few mediators possess all of these skills. The team of Macktaz & George, with their combined experience with high conflict families and Family Court issues provide a unique set of skills with experience in all areas important to a successful resolution.

Contact us today for a FREE no obligation consultation to learn more about how we can assist you. MG@RIDivorceMediation.com or visit our Rhode Island Divorce Mediation website or call 401-942-3000.